아프다 참 아프다.
Rant
You don’t have to read this, no ones telling you to. This is just me ranting so if you don’t give a fuck or have a problem, ignore this and fuck off.
Yeah it doesn’t seem bad but for me, it is. The fact that it happened to ME, I really don’t understand. I will never know why or how I developed this stupid incurable disease, lupus. Before I was diagnosed and knew what this stupid disease was, during those hard times when I could barely walk up and down stairs.. Actually just walk in general, open a damn water bottle, trying to get in bed, and etc. I had none of my friends who were really there for me besides my family. I would basically eat and sleep all day everyday and just try to get through the day with all the energy I had with this stupid sick body. The days I felt okay, I tried to take advantage and run around and smile like the happiest little girl alive. I would wish and hope that I was finally better but no, I would get sick and my joints and muscles would ache again. I would cry majority of the day and even to sleep because it didn’t make sense why I was hurting so much. My mom made me get stupid useless acupunctures twice a week when I told her I really feel like I should go to a hospital and get checked out by a legit doctor. However, it took a long time for her to realize that she should have listened to me once I started having more symptoms like crazy migraines and throwing up everywhere. It was scary the second time when I got to the hospital.. The first time they just ran some tests and eventually let me go but a few hours later I went back because I still felt like complete shit and they told me to sit in a wheelchair, looked at my results and whatnot, put a mask over my face and put me in an isolated room. I was scared shitless. After a couple of hours with some bags of morphine, I remember this dumbass nurse who punctured my vein while trying to get some blood. I saw the needle go in deep and stick out of my skin (don’t really know how to explain this but there was blood everywhere on my arm). To be honest, the spinal tap wasn’t that bad, just felt like a big pinch but then again I was on alot of morphine lols. A funny part when I was on morphine, I tried to go to the bathroom and the nurse wouldn’t let me so I pushed her and jumped out of bed and went straight for the wall, I couldn’t even stand LOL. Anyways, my dad and brother finally came and so did my aunt. They gave masks to everyone but my mom refused to wear it cuz she didn’t give a fuck whatever it was I had cuz I’m her daughter. Unlike my brother, he was wearing it till they finally said he didn’t need to anymore or I think when my cousin said “really, Giene?” Hahaha I guess it’s understandable. Anyways, I was in the hospital for a week with horrible food (couldn’t really eat anyway), vials and vials of blood taken out everyday, MRI and CAT scans, fevers everyday, and couldn’t even leave the floor I was on. I’m really just blabbing on now BUT the point is the fact that I have to take these medicines every single fucken day with all these freaken vitamins and shit to keep everything stable is just a bitch. If I ever missed a days worth, I would be in a lupus flare again (WHICH each time takes a part of your life away) and back in the hospital. YAY. I know this sounds really emo and depressing but knowing the fact that I could’ve eventually died if I never went to the hospital, sometimes I wish I really didn’t. And knowing the fact that shit could really go down if I stop taking my medicine, sometimes I don’t want to take them anymore. My family has a healthy history and this happened to me. Life is unfair and is a BITCH, I KNOW. But seriously, I’m freaken tired and don’t want to wait around hoping for a damn cure.
To all you mother fuckers who didn’t believe me when I said something was wrong when I was hurting, thought I was being over dramatic or thought I was lying, FUCK YOU ALL, bitches. Hope y’all feel like complete shit. Nah, I’m just playing. But seriously, I told you so.
OH and another thing, let’s get this straight, lupus isn’t contagious. If you don’t know what the fuck it is, look it up instead of assuming and saying stupid shit. THANKS.
